Friday, June 5, 2009

Letting go

Children with attachment issues like my son often have a hard time transitioning to, and attaching to people, but then when they do, they sometimes have to learn to let go, and that's even more difficult...

My son has a particularly hard time saying good bye to anyone he's grown to love. When he loves, he loves deeply. Today, on his last day of school, he's saying good bye to his teacher. She's been a presence in his life for 9 months, and this is a very difficult day for him.

Yesterday, we were shopping for craft supplies to make his teacher a gift for him to take her to show our appreciation. While out shopping, he found a tiny paper weight-style heart, with colors swirled inside, like a marble.

This is not the actual heart - didn't get a picture... but to show an idea..

He insisted that he needed to get this for his teacher. When I reminded him that we were making her a flower-pen bouquet, he said we just had to get this too. He then told me that he wanted to do this because, "the colors swirled inside the heart are like mine and Mrs. Robertson's hearts swirled together forever. She will always remember me by it". Wow.

Well, today, on his last day of school, he took the flower pen bouquet we made for her, AND the tiny swirly love heart he chose. And votive candles he also picked out and insisted on, because according to Dallas, "girls love candles".

I hope his last day goes well and he finds the closure he desperately needs, and has sought all on his own. I am so, so proud of my son!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Roaring seas, then gentler waves

I haven't blogged in weeks and weeks. I haven't had the desire or the energy. I've had IEP meetings and school issues, and therapy upon therapy appointment, full-on mom-duty, and no time to come up for air or even take any real time for myself. See, we've gone through a particularly stormy period here, but seem to be on the upside of the worst of it now.

I had to do something several weeks ago I never thought I would ever be compelled to have to do. I had to call the police on my 6 year old son -- in order to protect myself, and him because of a violent rage. It broke my heart to bits, but there was no other answer to the violent rage that lasted for hours, with no sign of de-escalation without some outside intervention. He calmed down once the officers arrived to talk to him, and seemed genuinely remorseful, but scared also. He's scared of his own behavior that he knows he has such little control over. He's come miles, but he still has got so much further to go in getting a handle on the anger, fear, hurt and the trauma that was wired into his brain and captured in his heart from infancy until he came into our family. This last month was rock bottom for all of us.

But that's the thing about hitting rock bottom. There's no where else to go but UP!

We are having a much better couple of weeks now, school is nearly out, and the world has not rolled off it's axis yet.

He's finding new ways to hopefully channel some of those feelings - though ongoing therapy (his wonderful therapist is a true life line at times), meditation (just beginning this) and now, OT. Our next thing to try is EMDR therapy. I've heard some promising results, so we keep our eye on the prize.

While we desperately need help him find ways to get a handle on all his painful emotions and the violent behavior, I need to let go of my own suppressed anger at all (people and situations) that have caused my little boy to suffer like this.

He deserves better.