Thursday, June 4, 2009

Roaring seas, then gentler waves

I haven't blogged in weeks and weeks. I haven't had the desire or the energy. I've had IEP meetings and school issues, and therapy upon therapy appointment, full-on mom-duty, and no time to come up for air or even take any real time for myself. See, we've gone through a particularly stormy period here, but seem to be on the upside of the worst of it now.

I had to do something several weeks ago I never thought I would ever be compelled to have to do. I had to call the police on my 6 year old son -- in order to protect myself, and him because of a violent rage. It broke my heart to bits, but there was no other answer to the violent rage that lasted for hours, with no sign of de-escalation without some outside intervention. He calmed down once the officers arrived to talk to him, and seemed genuinely remorseful, but scared also. He's scared of his own behavior that he knows he has such little control over. He's come miles, but he still has got so much further to go in getting a handle on the anger, fear, hurt and the trauma that was wired into his brain and captured in his heart from infancy until he came into our family. This last month was rock bottom for all of us.

But that's the thing about hitting rock bottom. There's no where else to go but UP!

We are having a much better couple of weeks now, school is nearly out, and the world has not rolled off it's axis yet.

He's finding new ways to hopefully channel some of those feelings - though ongoing therapy (his wonderful therapist is a true life line at times), meditation (just beginning this) and now, OT. Our next thing to try is EMDR therapy. I've heard some promising results, so we keep our eye on the prize.

While we desperately need help him find ways to get a handle on all his painful emotions and the violent behavior, I need to let go of my own suppressed anger at all (people and situations) that have caused my little boy to suffer like this.

He deserves better.


Lisa said...

I've been wondering where you've been. Glad you're back.

Finding that OT, EMDR is very helpful. The therapist used a theratapper on J yesterday and it was a beautiful thing.

Perspective RAD said...

When we got my son 6 years ago, he was 2 then. He was so much like this.. angry, spitting, hitting, growling. One time he just kept punching me. He's a lot better now, but man! I can so relate!

I need to check out EMDR???

Ryansmom said...

Lisa, I am thrilled to learn that EMDR has been helpful for J. I'm seeing a positive change in just the few OT sessions he's had. He especially enjoys the swinging, brushing, compression and other "physical" aspects, and unless it's a crazy coincidence, has been helpful and calming as reflected in his behavior. I'm very interested in this "theratapper"... :-)

Ryansmom said...

The physical part is the hardest to deal with. :-( We go through cycles of physical aggression and anger... most likely either un-dx Bipolar or effects of PTSD. There is definitely a pattern/cyclic component to the moods and rages. We have a new pdoc appointment coming up June 23, and we are hopeful that we can begin to sort some of this out, and address it, with a fresh set of eyes and new perspective.