I haven't blogged in weeks and weeks. I haven't had the desire or the energy. I've had IEP meetings and school issues, and therapy upon therapy appointment, full-on mom-duty, and no time to come up for air or even take any real time for myself. See, we've gone through a particularly stormy period here, but seem to be on the upside of the worst of it now.
I had to do something several weeks ago I never thought I would ever be compelled to have to do. I had to call the police on my 6 year old son -- in order to protect myself, and him because of a violent rage. It broke my heart to bits, but there was no other answer to the violent rage that lasted for hours, with no sign of de-escalation without some outside intervention. He calmed down once the officers arrived to talk to him, and seemed genuinely remorseful, but scared also. He's scared of his own behavior that he knows he has such little control over. He's come miles, but he still has got so much further to go in getting a handle on the anger, fear, hurt and the trauma that was wired into his brain and captured in his heart from infancy until he came into our family. This last month was rock bottom for all of us.
But that's the thing about hitting rock bottom. There's no where else to go but UP!
We are having a much better couple of weeks now, school is nearly out, and the world has not rolled off it's axis yet.
He's finding new ways to hopefully channel some of those feelings - though ongoing therapy (his wonderful therapist is a true life line at times), meditation (just beginning this) and now, OT. Our next thing to try is EMDR therapy. I've heard some promising results, so we keep our eye on the prize.
While we desperately need help him find ways to get a handle on all his painful emotions and the violent behavior, I need to let go of my own suppressed anger at all (people and situations) that have caused my little boy to suffer like this.
He deserves better.