Saturday, November 28, 2009

Wish I had Magic Wand

It's been almost a month since my last post. My, oh my, have things gone downhill...slowly, but still...

Either we are in a severely manic cycle and the meds are taking some of the edge off of what would a horrible and dangerous time, or they simply aren't working like they should. I have no way of telling which at this point. It has been a very trying 3 weeks or so, though. Lots of opposition, lots of high-energy behavior, very hyper and driven, although his behavior in school hasn't been a problem that we've been alerted to, other than a few days of "talkative" or "distracted" reports. He's still making straight As. Even his OT noted that nothing she tried could get his engine back down to a normal level so that he could participate in therapy. So we've been walking on eggshells once AGAIN, trying not to set off a violent outburst or rage, but still try to instill some sense of discipline.

He had an angry -- way out of proportion - episode yesterday after I had sat an old torch floor lamp out to the trash while he and his dad were running errands, and a neighbor picked it up to take it home. This lamp had stood in the corner of our family room, unused, for years, and was hopelessly out of style and was past time to go. I was just clearing some clutter out, getting ready to decorate for Christmas, and our neighbor spied the old lamp and rescued it as my guys were pulling up. When he and his dad parked, he came storming in the house yelling on and on about that lamp being "his favorite lamp", "it was special to him" and " how could I give it away", etc., etc.. and he got it in his head that he was going to the neighbor's house and taking the lamp back by force. We had to physically restrain him at that point, and he ended up beating the heck out of a trash can, and splintering an old wooden desk chair we had also sat out for trash, to bits, in the culdesac. My husband let him have at it to hopefully get his anger out, but it was scary to see. He did not once hit either of us (which is HUGE!), and eventually calmed down from exhaustion, and when there was nothing left of the chair to beat up any longer. I fear if he had not taken his aggression out on something, it would have been directed at us... specifically me.

One thing that we noticed was that he needed us to see what he was doing. He was aware of what he was doing, so it wasn't a rage. It was pure anger and raw aggression, but not clouded by some neurological misfire or seizure like his rages seem to be. He was "there" and he was MAD.

Then last night, he acted out horribly, was extremely oppositional, told me he hated me, wanted to kill me, was going to tell the judge to "fire me from being his mom" and that it was all my fault he was angry because I "chose him". All I was trying to do was get him to shower and/or go to bed, and he blew up at me. I've learned to pick my battles, so I left it alone. But he kept it going.

He then broke down sobbing for his birthfamily. (It's important to point out that he's never shed a tear for his birthfamily - even when he was first removed, but does suffer PTSD) In his sobbing, he said he did not care that they hurt him, that he still wanted to go back to them. He said he tells his friends he was "transported" from place to place and from birthmom to birthgrandma, then to us, and that's how he got here and that we adopted him, but said that his friends didn't believe him, and said he was lying and that he was born in my belly. Then he sobbed saying he wasn't and no one believes him. I tried to comfort him, he pulled away, with his face buried in a pillow, and he didn't want to be touched. He didn't have any tears that I could see, but lots of sobbing, almost forced-sounding, but was mostly hiding his face under a pillow... and then afterwards, claimed his "hands were full of tears". I asked to see them, and he said they were all dry now and that he wiped them on his shirt". I asked to see his shirt and he said it "dried too fast".. I'm not sure what he's feeling exactly, or if he's manipulating me and using his loss as an excuse to keep from being in trouble and knowing that it hurts my heart for him. But I am at a loss over his behavior lately.

Reaching for an answer, or anything to make him feel better and find some peace, I asked him if he wanted to write his birthfamily a letter, call or have a visit, and he said "not right now, maybe later on". The same answer we've been getting for some time now. I don't know what to think here. I wish this was easier. This time of year has always been difficult, but it seems more complicated than ever before, as his behaviors and apparently feelings are more complex than ever before. And the meds need tweaking. At least he hasn't hit me. But he's teetering on the edge.



marythemom said...

Holidays usually stink for our kids. I hope this will pass soon for y'all. Keep hanging in there and I'm so glad he didn't get physical with you. You are making progress!

Hugs and prayers,

Mary in TX

Ryansmom said...

Thank you Mary. :-)

Megan said...

Great blog! I look forward to keeping up. Your son is beautiful! Megan

Megan said...

Great blog! I look forward to keeping up. Your son is beautiful! Megan